Uncategorized

What would you do if your child came to you and said, “I molested someone?”

Tamar Alexandre Cabanel
Tamar Alexandre Cabanel

A few of my friends have been posting something or another about the latest “Duggar News”  what especially caught my eye was Simcha Fisher’s Would your kids know what to do if someone molested them?

It is a good question, though I think the answer for all children really is “no, they wouldn’t”  and I could expound upon that a little but it is just the nature of children to not know.  In reality the best you can hope for is that the relationship you have with your child is such that whenever anything disturbs their peace they can come to you.   I completely share Simcha’s absolute lack of any interest in even the smallest news about the Duggar Family, but  I will say that my take away from the little Facebook has forced on me is this: Josh Duggar went to his parents when he was 15 years old and told his parents he had done something horrible and they took him to the authorities.   His parents convinced him to turn himself in.   Which brings me to the question, “what would you do if your child came to you and said, ‘I molested someone’?”

I suppose the only lawful and moral answer to that question would have to be to convince them to turn themselves in and failing that to turn them in yourself.   But I can’t even imagine the pain that would cause.   When on occasion my children have come to me to confess something “horrible” they have done I have always been able to sooth them, advise them on how to right the destructive road they have started down.   But something so horrific?  Where do you even start with that?  My soul shrinks at even the smallest thought of my child doing anything like this.  I know my heart would want to hide them, protect them, keep them safe.  Fifteen is still so young.  It would be so easy to make any excuse not to contact the authorities.

Prayer could be the only place to start would be prayer.   When David heard that his son Amnon had raped his sister he did nothing as we read in 2 Samuel  “King David, when he heard of the whole affair, became very angry. He would not, however, antagonize Amnon, his high-spirited son; he loved him, because he was his firstborn.”  I feel nothing but compassion for the Duggars and any parent who has to deal with such a devastating turn of events and I would pray that Our Lady of Sorrows comfort them and sustain them to  do the right thing.

Mater Dolorosa - Titian
Mater Dolorosa – Titan
Uncategorized

40 Bags – 2012 Post

The 40 Trash Bag Challenge

 another page I am moving from the self hosted site –  originally posted spring of 2012 here

2012 – updates – 40 bags in 40 days

Back in 2008 I took a box of trash bags and a bit of inspiration and got rid of 40 bags of stuff from my home.  In 2009 Fr. Kyle Schnippel asked if he could grab that idea as a Lenten sacrifice and then over the last two years the idea has been picked up by various mail lists and people who are looking for a way to “Let Go” as part of Lent – or a way to declutter their homes.   I love that so many people have found this useful.  To help those who find their way here make the most of their “Trash Bag Challenge” I am republishing and reworking some of those ideas that have been the best and most useful.The two ways I have approached the 40 Trash bag challenge are as a decluttering exercise and as a part of a Lenten sacrifice.  Both serve a purpose but they are radically different in the approach I use.

40 Trash Bags – Decluttering

The first way is just focusing on getting rid of stuff.  Basically the 40 trash bag challenge is a very simple idea.  Take a bag, one each day, and fill it with things you don’t need.  You do this for five days a week for eight weeks.   The stuff is throw away, given away or donated.  A large item (sofa, computer, TV, chair) can count as a bag.  A box of books can count as a bag.  The only thing that doesn’t count is your typical everyday trash.   If you have a small apartment or less stuff use a smaller bag.  If you have a lot to lose use a bigger bag.  Don’t let the bags sit around your house.  At the very least take them to the car so you can drop them off at your local charity the next time you drive by.  The most important thing in this exercise is to let go of the extra stuff.   Though we try to make sure that we do the best we can by giving away what we can and recycling what we can and not mindlessly adding to the landfill this is not the primary objective.

40 Trash Bags – For Lent

The goal when doing a 40 trash bags for Lent is a little different.  The goal here is to let go but in a more mindful way.  Sure, you are decluttering, but you are also praying your way through it.  In my home clutter comes in different types and each is rather symbolic for some of the spiritual sicknesses so many people suffer from.  Fear, vanity,  covetousness, pride, sloth and envy all help us become fearsome consumers.   We have too many possessions, too many aspirations, too little time.   We have so many good intentions and so many fears and we are all drowning in excess of everything, we freeze in the face of so much to do then we do not do those things we should.  We become victims, buried in our stuff and slaves to our desires.

A good priest once told me that he believed most sin was born of a desire for something good that ended up twisted, disordered and gone awry.   While I am certainly not equating have too much stuff or being hopelessly cluttered with mortal sin, there is a parallel and a peril.   If our possessions consume the time and talents that we should be spending on relationships with our God, our loved ones and our community then they are a problem.   If we devote so much of our efforts to acquiring, managing, storing, cleaning and ultimately disposing of our stuff then we miss out on chances to love.  Stuff will never replace what is missing in our hearts, it will never keep us safe from uncertainty, it will not make us more beautiful, healthy, faithful or immune to aging.    Clutter will not protect us from the outside world.   When we couple the 40 Trash Bag Challenge with Lent sometimes it hurts.  Sometimes the letting go hurts.  Sometimes it is frightening, sometimes is brings up painful memories, sometimes it forces us to confront fears – and that is a good thing.   This isn’t just stuff we are de-junking from our home – this is a load we are setting down.  Depending on how attached you are to your stuff, how much emotion you put into it those things can be hard.   Even if you don’t attach a lot of emotion to stuff the letting go can be hard.   That is what makes it a Lenten Sacrifice.

The second year I did this I heard one very solid complaint.  Lenten Sacrifices shouldn’t be just about giving up something, especially if it is something we shouldn’t be doing in the first place, they should be about giving up something we enjoy to draw closer to God and it certainly shouldn’t be about cleaning your house.  After a good deal of thought I have to respectfully disagree.  Lenten sacrifices shouldn’t be about giving up sins – we should be trying to give sin always.  But having an excess of worldly goods isn’t quite a sin it is more like being overweight.  Letting go of stuff is very akin to fasting which resembles dieting.  We might statistically be an obese nation and individually might be overweight and out-of-shape, but that doesn’t mean that fasting during Lent isn’t a good idea because limiting our caloric intake is something we should do anyway.  If we are just dejunking and getting rid of the excess then no, it won’t be a good Lenten Sacrifice, but if we make it something that helps us see what we don’t need is stuff and what we do need is Christ then it is worthwhile, especially if we bless others along the way.

Getting Started an Keeping Going

The first year it seemed a rather crazy thing.  I ditched 40 kitchen trash bags (or the equivalent) of stuff out of our house.  Yes, really.  It is amazing how much stuff was lurking in the backs of cupboards and closets and how many “extra” things I had.  Too many towels, sheets, coats, shoes, books,  small kitchen appliances… the list goes on and on.

40trashbags

This was started as a housekeeping exercise.  Something I did because my home needed a good dejunking.  It had been years since I had really decluttered and letting go was so liberating.

40 bags. One thing I know caused some people pause was the picture of the big overstuffed black bag.  “No way could I fill forty of those bags.”    There was a little attitude in some of the comments.  “No, WAY I could fill forty bags… You would have to be like one of those horder folks to do that, no way my house has that much stuff.”   At this point I don’t know that I could fill 40 lawn and yard bags.  My home is under 3000 sq feet and even with 6 kids in the house there is only so much stuff that can fit.

But then again I could.  When I look at what others have, what my ancestors considered wealth.  I consider the homeless woman with all her worldly possessions in a grocery cart. Then I compare it to my modest house and yes,  I could fill up 40 huge bags.  But if I was single and living in a dorm, no – I couldn’t.    But the size of “bag” is really immaterial.  It is the consistency of everyday shedding off some of our material goods.   A grocery bag would be a better measure for some – I suppose if I was very wealthy and had multiple homes maybe something more on the lines of a truck bed full a day would work better.  The point is not the size of the bag, box or bundle, it is the act of letting go of the “stuff” a bit each day.

It should hurt a little – not a lot, but a bit.  There should be some small sense of having to sacrifice or maybe some small bit of contrition at how much we hold onto things when we could give that time and energy to God.   If you struggle as I do with organization then I am sure you have read about the theories of hording and attachment to the “stuff”.    Our environments began to posses us instead of serving us.  If you don’t deal with that particular mental vice then there is still the beauty of the words of Christ ”

24 “No one can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat (or drink), or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
26 Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they?
27 Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?
28 Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin.
29 But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them.
30 If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?
31 So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’
32 All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
33 But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.
34 Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.

These words were said to people, many of whom could probably put everything they personally owned  in one of my closets.

How it works:

  1. Grab a bag – Pick what size of trash bag you want to use.  I used tall kitchen bags (use what works for you, paper sack, grocery bag – whatever).
  2. Fill the bag – Each week day for eight weeks fill one bag (or equivalent).  It can be a bag of  toys, clothes, papers, collected junk mail, 1992 tax forms — whatever you have too much of. Equivalents count:  anything about the size of a trash bag counts:  a box of books, an old TV, a computer system.   Anything that you can count as clutter or excess is fair game.
  3. Make it go away –  Donate as much as you can,  sell something if it has real value (but don’t count it until it is gone) don’t be afraid to trash things.
  4. Toot your own horn – You deserve this. Post a update on your blog,  Twitter  #40TBC, @, leave a comment here, or join the Facebook Group.  Let someone know how it goes – it is motivating to you and to others.
  5. Have fun.  This means feel free to rewrite the rules to fit your life.  Letting go of stuff is liberating — yes, it is a chore, but it is a good thing.

If you find you are having trouble

If find you have trouble starting or the first few days things seem to be going well but then you start to flounder there might be a couple things that you can tweak.

  1. If you found the first few days you were pulling stuff out of your house like gang-busters but now you have basically stopped because you can’t figure out what to get rid of – you are using too big a bag.  Scale back to something smaller.
  2. Your house is cluttered and you fill a bag a day but no one (not even you) can tell.  If you have the energy use a bigger bag (or do two a day).  If you find filling a bag saps your energy keep with your one bag a day – just keep going.  Fill your bags from one room day after day until you notice a difference.
  3. You can’t seem to fill a bag even though you have a ton of stuff.  If you find you are sitting with say boxes of baby clothes and can’t let anything go even though your youngest is taller than you are you are probably dealing with attachment issues.  If you pick up something and it brings back a flood of memories and you are worried that tossing the item is somehow going to diminish the memory you definitely have attachment issues.  This is hard and tricky and can be emotionally raw.  Try to find a good place for those things you feel attached to but know intellectually you don’t need.  Give them to a crisis pregnancy center, a women’s shelter, the Goodwill.  Let someone else be blessed by your abundance.  If it helps take a picture of the item and post it to flicker or a blog and write the memory down.  Then you have a visual memory and the story, you can even share it with others if you are so inclined.  But let the thing go.
  4. If you can’t put anything in your bags because you might need it later.  You are living in a fear mindset.  Ask yourself what the absolute worst thing that will happen if you toss the item in question and then you will almost always find it will be ok.
  5. If you can’t put anything in your bag because you are planning to use it latter stop yourself.  You HAVEN’T used this yet.  I have this problem with craft supplies and books.  I am just sure that I will use it later or my children will want it.  Sometimes this is valid most the time it isn’t.  I found it helpful to put these items aside and do a Use it or lose it exercise.
  6. Your children or husband are complaining because stuff is vanishing.   You need to sit down and talk with them – it is possible you are being too enthusiastic it is also possible that they have “stuff” issues or “change” issues.
  7. Your children or husband are complaining because they are tripping over bags in the garage or foyer.   You need to review rule #3 Make the bags Go Away.  At least weekly drop them off at your favorite charity.   Volunteers of America and other organizations will often pick up stuff if you call them.
  8. You can’t figure out where to start.  Your closet.  No, don’t argue – if you have a better idea you wouldn’t have asked.  Yes, there has to be at least a few things you can give away.  Now go get your bag and start.  If you just did your closet and your bag isn’t full do your linen closet – anything that hasn’t been used in a year goes in the bag – if your bag isn’t full after that switch to an smaller size bag.  Have fun.
Uncategorized

Maybe this is a spark…

This blog sometimes pulls me back.   I have more or less not blogged since my grandmother died about five years ago.  First I was busy with the weight of that, then Lizzy was born and everyday seemed slightly too complicated and harried to take time to write.  But I miss it.   There is something therapeutic about writing and something wonderful about setting your thoughts out “there”.    Writing makes me a better me.

Yesterday I was talking to a fellow Catholic-Homeschool-Mom-who-happens-to-blog.   Where my side of the conversation went something like “this crazy thing happened with my old blog that is really dusty and I hardly touch. And I am rather put-out by it but I feel sort of stupid for being so”  and her side was “That’s crazy, the internet is full of crazy, maybe this will be the spark that gets you blogging again.”

And I started thinking about sparks and embers and Lent.  Lent is a wonderful time of reaching into yourself and see where things are good and where good things that have died down.   So much of what my energy used to draw from has died down to the point that it is barely an ember.   I feel like the proverbial camel — there are about 3 straws too many, the back is broken and we are still somewhere in the middle of the desert longing to make it home.   So I need Lent, I need to drop the load, just let it go and to embrace the penitential.  Forced now to look at I see that I have tried to much for too long.  I have allowed myself to become burdened by things that should build me up.  I have taken too much to heart,  I have been drowning in the noise of everything and not allowed myself just to exist as the person God intends me to be.    So maybe this is the spark, the breath of air on the ember.

Uncategorized

40 Bags — Where to Give

 

If you are going to get rid of 40 bags in 40 days one of your first questions is bound to be, “Where can I get rid of these bags?”

Never fear – there are many, many options out there.
First is always your local community.  Could someone in your family use those baby clothes or that fondue pot?  What about your parish or church community?  The old woman across the street might want a warm winter coat or those pickled onions.   There are options like Criagslist and freecycle that allow you to post your unneeded goods for sale or give away.  But if none of these options work for you there are organizations in your community that will gladly take your lightly use items.  No charity wants stained, worn, broken or dirty items.  Remember that volunteers must sort through your gift-aways – so have mercy on them and don’t give them trash.   I have put together the list below as a resource.  You will note that it is very Portland, Oregon heavy, but it can still be useful to you.  Many of the organizations are national and others may spur a little bit of creativity in looking for charities in your own area.

 A few notes on this list. 

To the best of my knowledge the charities on this list will take used items.

I have not researched the charities on the list in any ways except for what is on their home-page. If you know something problematic about a charity on this list please contact me with the name of the charity and supporting information and I will remove it or at least note the problem.

If I know the charity is affiliated with a religious organization or other charity I have noted it. If I missed one please let me know.

Sites that help you find places to donate:

In Portland, Oregon

National

Large Charities that take a variety of items:

 Charities that Take Specific items:

Clothing and Household Items

Art Supplies:

Baby and Children’s Items:

Bikes and Bike Parts:

Books:

Bridal Gowns:

Clothing, Baby supplies, Food:

Computers, monitors, printers and peripherals

Construction Materials and Appliances

Food

Formal Clothing

Food, household items, personal hygiene items

School Supplies

Shoes:

Sporting goods

Women’s business clothing and accessories:

Charities with lists of items they are looking for:

And what to do with those recyclable things that no one will take?

Recycling

Uncategorized

Digital Books and a Shocking Confession

I never would have imagined saying this, but I think a may prefer digital books now.   I have been reading the Dresden Files and some of these books we have in digital format and others we have in traditional paper book format.  The format I group up with,  with the smell and the texture and the dog-eared goodness that is a book.  But last night I realized that I missed having the table version of the book I am currently reading.    This may make me a heretic or something and I am sure my husband will be shocked and my mother might actually pass out if I admit it out loud.

Uncategorized

Christopher’s Confirmation

Christopher

It seems really hard to believe that he is that he is old enough, but here he is – suit and all, looking every bit the young man.   Of course yesterday was one of those days where we were all running around in seven different directions culminating in being at the parish at 6:30 pm.   One of those moments where God has a sense of humor.   I was sure I was praying for peace — I think He thought I was praying for patience because Lizzy was bound and determined to test mine all through the mass. 

 

 

christopher and the Bishop

The archbishop was gracious and warm — but somehow my camera just made them look fuzzy.  The homily was one of those where you are left with a total conviction of the faith.  The archbishop spoke so earnestly about how he could trace his ordination back to the 15th century where the church records were lost, but that he knew that the line went back to the Apostles.  He described how terrified the Apostles were after the Ascension, hiding in a room, fearing for  their very lives until the Holy Spirit descended on them. This transformed them instantly and permanently and led them all save one to martyrs deaths. This spirit was sacramentally passed down from those first Apostles to our Archbishop and to the young people last night.   It was one of those homilies where you want to jump up and say “lead on”,  a reminder that we need fear nothing ever for our God holds the universe in His hands.

It was a beautiful night.

 

Uncategorized

Camera Shy

IMG_0019
Mom disappeared somewhere in 2001

I realize that i have been doing something stupid, selfish and vain.  Harsh words maybe, but they are real.  Stupid – selfish – vain.  I have a ton of pictures that I have slowly been scanning in hundreds of pictures that I have stored on my computer.   I have been trying to organize them and share them.  But as I was going through these pictures I noticed a couple things.   I hate pictures of myself and there are painfully few of them.

P7310013
Birthday Party

The reason there are so few pictures of me and why they are so hard to go through is really the same thing:   I hate how I look in pictures because I am way heavier than I want to be.  I am critical of myself in the pictures because I see every fault, and especially the fat and I hate seeing that.   It should be a touch crazy that there are so many pictures with no me and those few pictures of me that  there are I just pick apart because I don’t look like a model.

Someday my children will be looking through these pictures and what will they see?   Lots of wonderful times, and I won’t be in the pictures with them.   They will know that there mom was there, but she was either taking the pictures or making herself busy away from the camera so she wouldn’t be in front of the lens.  They will know that she didn’t want to be photographed because she wasn’t happy with her appearance.   All those years of avoiding the camera will lead to the inevitable  collection of family pictures with mom missing.   All the family vacations and outings, the Birthday parties and Christmas mornings and Forth of July, the days on the beach and the hikes in the mountains and no pictures of mom.   A few here or there where she had been “unlucky” and caught on film – a couple big family group shots with mom standing behind someone else.   Stupid  – selfish –  vain.

Image3
At the time I was convinced I was fat and hated this picture.

It is really rather silly of me to care so much that I don’t look perfect in pictures.   I know I am not the only one to feel this way.   The “Dove: Real Beauty Sketches”  was passed around and viewed so many times because it said something that so many women know is true, “we are our own worse critics.”  Strangers don’t care about the fat or the wrinkles or the bad hair days.   The people who love us don’t see that about us.  They see their friend, their mother, their sister, their wife — they see the love and friendship.  The oddest things is that when I look at pictures from years ago I am much happier with what I see.   I was younger, fitter, more beautiful than I remember feeling I was.   In twenty years I will likely look back at today with  every bit as much fondness.  Whatever the future holds the truth is that I will be older and the children will grow up.   I will remember these days fondly as love every moment of being in this phase of my life.

I love the photos I have been scanning in of my grandparents and parents.   My grandparents are all gone, but in these photos are so many memories of them young and happy.   I look at these pictures and see people who love me and it is a blessing to have these pictures.   The children have been loving seeing there grandparents as young adults and me and their uncle as small children.  When I look at these pictures memories of my childhood come flooding back and that is a joy. The only thing I achieve in  my camera shyness is making sure that those memories aren’t around for my children.

It is a bit vain that I think I should present some perfect visage.   I am what I am and while bits of that could change I shouldn’t let my fear of people seeing me as less than perfect get in the way of living  fully and sharing who I am with my friends and family.  In the case of pictures   I shouldn’t let this vanity rob me and my children and those who love me of the joy of those snap-shots and memories.

So, for me no more excuses on this.   I need to accept who I am (not a fashion model)  and allow myself to live  in the moment wrapped in the love of my husband and my friends and my children and my family.   I am strong and full of joy and don’t need to let insecurity or vanity  creep in and steal any more happy memories.

me