Monday we went to the Dr’s office for a quick ultra-sound and discovered that we had an anembryonic pregnancy,  it is also called a blighted ovum.  Basically everything developed fine except the baby.

It was such a sad thing looking at the screen with the kind of smooshed looking sac and where the little baby should have been there was nothing, no heart beat, no little arms or legs, no head and spine curled safely and securely inside me, nothing, just an empty space.

nothing is just such a horrible reality.  It creates such a disconnected sense of feelings. I feel like there is a well of grief and sorrow trapped inside my head that I can’t let out.  I am afraid to be around anyone too much because I feel like this dam will break suddenly and without control.   A week ago I was dreaming of little fingers and smooshy noses and a soft bundled nursling.  But it was all just dreams, nothing of substance.   The reality is that my body was every bit as tricked as my mind, so I have all the discomfort of miscarriage without the loss of the baby and I can’t for the life of me figure out if that is better or worse.    It is a loss where nothing was lost except the hope for something that didn’t happen.