Caritas · My world

Love, trials and those “Oh, crap” moments

This morning I woke up, made my pot of coffee and turned on the computer like any normal Friday.  I have a little bit of shopping to do today, the oil in the car needs changed.  I need to pick up some sunscreen for our beach trip tomorrow.  While the coffee was brewing and the computer was booting I went in to give my sleeping husband a kiss.  He was still in bed, not sick, not having over-slept, but because he didn’t have to go to work today.  You see yesterday he lost his job.

And yes that does suck. And no, I don’t want to go into the whole whys and wherefores.  He had burnt out there a long time ago, he was already looking for something else, this wasn’t a surprise, but it still sucks. 

We took some time last night to gather our wits about us.  This isn’t a horrible time for this to happen.  Over the past year we have been incredibly good about paying off the bit of debt we have.  We have followed sound financial advice; we have everything in order.  I have a little bit of work coming in.  We have a decent amount in the savings.  Our only significant expenses are the house and our insurances.  

But if you could spare a moment to offer a prayer that he find a new position soon it would be appreciated.

While were we sitting in the backyard talking about what is going to happen I got hit by one of those overwhelming impressions:  I love this guy.  I don’t deserve him. I just love him.  The only thing of real value I have that I can give him is my love.  And he deserves every bit of love my heart can find.    As odd as it sounds and as (almost) twisted as it might be, his hurting made me love him all the more. 

You might remember the Gom Jabbar and the pain box in Dune. A test of being human, are you able to handle the pain — to overcome the immidate ache or do you act on instinct and pull your hand out of the box and meet death at the point of the Gom Jabber?  I hate those trials. I understand that I need to be reminded to be human, to put love first… but man I hate those trials.

 For a few moments yesterday the natural fear and stress of knowing that our income had just been greatly altered led to actual anger at my husband.  He could have worked harder, he could have done more, he could have tired harder to find another job sooner.  I was frightened and it was his fault and I was mad at him.  He could easily have taken my anger and turned his own against me.  I should be supporting him, what was done was done and being wretched to him wouldn’t undo it.  We could have turned into two animals scratching and biting each other while the wreckage we both hoped would save us pulled us under.  But grace and mercy prevailed.  Because of his humility and love.  Yes, he failed us – me.  Just him saying that  and how he feels it and how it hurts makes me see how much I love him.  That killed any trace of anger I might have had and turned it into just gratefulness that he loves me.  Even when I am not my best self he still loves me. 

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