This has been resting on my heart for a long time. My own daughters know this and the young women closest to me. But it also belongs to all the young women I know: family, friend’s daughters, the clerk at my favorite craft store, the neighbor’s granddaughter. If you ever find yourself pregnant and are afraid or are considering ending your pregnancy this is my promise:
My promise you.
For every young woman in my life, this is my promise.
If you are ever pregnant and worried, alone or frightened.
I will care for you and for your child: today, tomorrow and forever.
You do not need to be alone.
If you need safe housing, food, transportation or clothing I will help you.
If you need help finding medical care or getting to appointments I will help you.
If you need legal assistance I will help you find it.
If you need to cry I will hold you, if you are scared I will comfort you, if you are overwhelmed I will remind you how strong, capable and brave you can be.
If you need someone to be there when you have your baby I will be there and hold your hand, comfort you or do anything you need.
If you need someone to care for your child for a month, or a year or a life time I will – no questions or judgement.
If you would rather have someone else care for your child I will help you find that person.
I will do anything and everything I can to help you and your baby. If I can not help in any specific way I will do all I can to help you find the help I can not provide.
I will be there for you and for your child because you are both important, because life is beautiful and precious and you are both worthy of love and support.
It is a good question, though I think the answer for all children really is “no, they wouldn’t” and I could expound upon that a little but it is just the nature of children to not know. In reality the best you can hope for is that the relationship you have with your child is such that whenever anything disturbs their peace they can come to you. I completely share Simcha’s absolute lack of any interest in even the smallest news about the Duggar Family, but I will say that my take away from the little Facebook has forced on me is this: Josh Duggar went to his parents when he was 15 years old and told his parents he had done something horrible and they took him to the authorities. His parents convinced him to turn himself in. Which brings me to the question, “what would you do if your child came to you and said, ‘I molested someone’?”
I suppose the only lawful and moral answer to that question would have to be to convince them to turn themselves in and failing that to turn them in yourself. But I can’t even imagine the pain that would cause. When on occasion my children have come to me to confess something “horrible” they have done I have always been able to sooth them, advise them on how to right the destructive road they have started down. But something so horrific? Where do you even start with that? My soul shrinks at even the smallest thought of my child doing anything like this. I know my heart would want to hide them, protect them, keep them safe. Fifteen is still so young. It would be so easy to make any excuse not to contact the authorities.
Prayer could be the only place to start would be prayer. When David heard that his son Amnon had raped his sister he did nothing as we read in 2 Samuel “King David, when he heard of the whole affair, became very angry. He would not, however, antagonize Amnon, his high-spirited son; he loved him, because he was his firstborn.” I feel nothing but compassion for the Duggars and any parent who has to deal with such a devastating turn of events and I would pray that Our Lady of Sorrows comfort them and sustain them to do the right thing.
This post is the third post of of our homeschool planning series you can read the first here.
One of focus points of our parent and child interview is the child’s vision for where God wants them to be, what they envision for their future and what they are interested in learning more about. I prayerfully think about my goals for the children and where I think they need more focus.
Our goals serve three purposes: To improve where we are weak, to enhance where we are strong, to explore something new.
We also want to be living balanced lives so we make sure that we have goals in all the following areas: Spiritual and Vocational, Academic, Esthetic and Cultural, Life Skills and Career, Physical and Health, Character and Virtue, and Relationships and Family.
Homeschooling is more than just teaching your children reading and writing and history. While all those academic things are good and important it is critical to be working on developing a balanced person. With that in mind each of the children have a Guiding Statement. This would be a mission statement in the corporate world, but craft a statement to guide us. This statement focuses on the being of our better selves. We also pick a motto for the year, a short little statement that is to improve where we are weak.
Each goal should be focused and well defined, achievable given the resources of the family, each goal should be measurable and each goal should be completely within the control (as much as anything can be) of the family. While it is worthy to aspire to “grow closer to God” that doesn’t really make a good goal as there isn’t a good measure for it. It would be better to say “I will make a pilgrimage to the Vatican”, but if that isn’t within the means of the family it will only lead to frustration. Your child could set the goal of attending daily mass, but if they can’t get there on their own and mom or dad can’t take them they will not be successful. But they could set the goal of saying a decade of the Rosary every night – it is focused and defined, achievable, measurable and within their control.
The first stage of planning for next year is taking an honest assessment of where we are and what is working and what could work better. This is one of those times where having a big family means a lot more work. This is a bit of a time consuming process. You really can’t skip this step even if you are moving from a school environment to homeschool. You just really need to know where you are in order to get to where you want to be.
The first things we are going to decide is if homeshooling is the best option for this child for the upcoming year or should we investigate other options, is the program and/or methodology we have been using working for us as a family and for this child in particular and which subjects are we continuing and which are we not. Once we say “yes, we are homeschooling next year.” I list out the subjects that each child has been working on this year and their extra curricular activities. For example Joshua has been working on Handwriting, Math, Spelling, Reading, History, Science, Grammar and Writing. We do CCD at our parish and Boy Scouts.
These go into my Yearly Assessment Worksheet. Then working across I ask the child their thoughts on the subject, I put down my assessment and if this is a subject that we will continue next year and if so will we use the same text series and what level we will need.
This is also a great time to do a parent interview. We do this from time to time through the year but the end of the year is the “big one”. I sit down with each child and we go through a bunch of questions. The kids know they are free to say anything. This is a time where they can say anything at all and there will be no repercussions of any kind. It is very valuable to be able to see what they are feeling and thinking.
These are the questions we are using. If they don’t have an answer I let them think about it overnight and ask them again. I ask the questions and let them answer and then I hand the questions to them if they want/need to have some thinking time. It is ok to not have an answer. Once I get the information I have a conference with each child and we talk about things they could do to make the family better. I never share the specifics of what any child says to another, but we do talk about any themes that are revealed.
Hecato, says: “I can show you a philtre, compounded without drugs, herbs, or any witch’s incantation: ‘If you would be loved, love.'”
Seneca ~ Moral Letters to Lucilius IX.6
My dad has cancer. This is one of those numbingly painful things that has been pulling my heart and peace to shreds. So I have been going to back to essentials: prayer and Mindfulness, a heart turned toward simplicity and Stoicism resting in the peace of Christ. It has also led to some conversations with family. Most particularly a very insightful moment with my mom.
Saint Francis of Assisi in Ecstasy, Caravaggio
We were talking about life – that whole messy business and something clicked. She was expressing how her whole life she had never really felt loved. My dad and I were assuring her that she was loved but there was the feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff. I came up with some wholly inarticulate version of “I have been trying to tell you I love you my whole life but you never believe it.” Which led to her realizing the kind of odd cruelty her own lack of self worth inflicts on everyone who loves her. No one can ever love you enough that you feel loved unless you have the faith that you are loved. The only way you feel love is love someone else and have faith that they love you.
With a new appreciation of this truth I see it all around me. In Seneca’s quote from Hecato. in random articles I read online and in thr Prayer of St Francis:
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, the faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen
It seems that it is always in pain that we learn more about love. I hope that my mother can see that the truest path to being loved is to love with no regard for any return but to love wholly and Holy and true.
Next year will be our 10th year homeschooling. Amazing how one moment you are the total newbie to this homeschooling thing and the next minute you are at a homeschooling workshop and you are the one with the most experience. How did that happen?
So in the interest of being helpful here are a few thoughts I have gleaned over the years:
Homeschool is not school at home; it is a life style.
This was the biggest surprise about homeschooling. I don’t remember what I expected homeschooling to be, but I know I was thinking it would be more along the lines of everyone sitting down and doing school work for several hours a day and that would be it. Lo and behold this is not what happened. We do school work for several hours a day, but it might be done at the dinning room table or the living room floor or even outside. Sure, we have time where we do school work, but we also take the opportunity to learn when learning presents itself. Yes, we are that family counting apples in the grocery store.The other aspect of homeschooling that is vastly unlike school is how and why we handle learn metrics. We do not do grades. We work to mastery. If you get something wrong you fix it. We don’t really have “Grade” levels either. If you are spelling at level three and doing math at level seven all is well. You are never ahead or behind you are where you are supposed to be.
If something isn’t working don’t be afraid to switch mid stream. There is no shame in stopping something that doesn’t work. I have seen people struggle for next to forever with something that isn’t working for them or their child. (that could be me) No matter how much you paid for the program, how wonderful the illustrations are, how much your best friend loves it, how well it worked for your older child – if it isn’t working don’t keep slaving away at it. Beware of sunk cost fallacies playing on your decision making process and find something that works better. This is every bit as important to keep in mind if you are talking about one book, a program, a teaching philosophy or even the decision to homeschool.
Focus the most energy on the things most important.
You only have so many hours in a day and you only have so much energy to spend. Pick your battles. There will be times – maybe even whole years where life impacts schooling. New babies, family crisis, moving, illness all can impact the day to day schooling. During those times pare back to what is essential to your family and let the rest go for a time.
Each child is unique – their education should be too.
Work with your child’s strengths and help them overcome their weaknesses. Let them explore the things they love but also make sure they have the skills to follow where their passions lead. Don’t allow your educational philosophy to conflict with your child’s learning style. This is really hard to keep in mind when you very attached to an abstract idea of what the “best” education. The best education is the one where your child is learning and excited to learn.
Do not expect what you do not inspect My kids have a tendency to not do something if they think I won’t look at it. Anything you have asked them to take the time to do should be something that you are will to take the time to go over with them.
Don’t let your expectations drown your child’s enthusiasm
It surprises me sometimes how things I think are exciting aren’t to my kids and how sometimes they delve into something that I wouldn’t have expected. Sometimes I have also found that if I am overly excited about something it builds it up too much and my children’s natural excitement isn’t allowed to grow. There have been times where my expectation for good or bad has irrevocably colored my children’s experience. I am very mindful at this point to hold my tongue as much as possible and not try to set them up too much ahead of time.
Chores and life skills are as important as school work
We are raising humans. They need to know a wide variety of life skills not just facts and figures. Take the time to teach budgeting, menu planning, auto-repair, sewing and all those things that a responsible human needs to know.
Down time, self directed studies and play are critical
Model a life of constant learning and expect your children to be learning things that interest them too. Children need time to learn on their own, to process what they have learned and to just play.
Less really is more
There are so many good opportunities, so many things we want our children to see and learn and do it is easy to take on too much. It is much more difficult to pull away from something than it is to have never taken it on. The advantage of not taking on too much is to more fully and deeply discover what is left. You have to leave time for peace and quite, there has to be down time or nothing works well. It is very much possible to overflow our small cup of hours with the deluge of good things that surround us.
There is nothing more important than the relationship.
There is no subject, no devotion, no class, no activity that is worth more than the relationship the parent and child have. No matter how important something is, if it is constantly causing your child distress or causing you to be embattled with your child it is just not worth it.
Proverbs 28:1 The wicked flee though none pursue; but the just, like a lion, are confident.
One of my favorite stories from the Gospels is in Mark. Jairus, a synagogue official, whose 12 year old daughter is near death comes to Jesus in hopes that he will heal her. Christ agrees to help but before they can leave there comes the dreaded news. “Your daughter has died; why trouble the teacher any longer?” I can feel Jairus’ heart break at the news, his trip was in vain, it would have been better to have stayed at his wife’s side. This child was precious to him, thus his last minute, desperate trip to see this crazy faith healer that most of the religious establishment were already ridiculing and worse. He had risked his position on the outside hope that this person could do something to save his child. And now his child was gone – why trouble the teacher any longer. Just as he is about to leave Jesus puts his hand on Jarius’ shoulder, smiles warmly at him and says almost joyfully – “Do not be afraid; just have faith.” And there was nothing to fear; the child who was dead lived and there was nothing to fear for Christ had entered their lives and their home and all was well – for it could be nothing else with Jesus there.
“Do not be afraid; just have faith.” There is so much contained in that simply statement of Jesus. I can think of nothing more dreadful than the news your child has died and in response to this Jesus simply says “Do not be afraid; just have faith.” What ever evil surrounds us we need not be afraid God wills all things to his end. Even if we suffer, even if we die, even if something precious to us is taken away God is with us and in the end, as long as we have faith, we have nothing to fear. We have every right to walk with confidence in the light of our loving God. We are lions and need fear nothing.
This thought was pressed into my heart in response to prayer for peace with a terrible level of agitation that seemed to be swelling around me. There just seemed to be so much fear. Fear that our children will be lead astray by the world, fear that forces working against the church would be successful, fear of strangers, fear of vaccinations, fear of food additives, fear of pollution, fear of gays, fear of the internet, fear of war, fear of seemingly every thing. I was tired of the fear and it did not feel right, good or even useful.
It felt like we were deer, hiding ourselves in the bushes, watching the wild dogs walk in the meadow. It occurred to me that my children would not want to be the deer, the prey, waiting for the enemy to attack. They would see the enemy with their strong teeth and sharp claws and feel at best weak – at worse they would despise being always afraid and would want to leave. Would they envy the freedom of walking in the sun while I tried to keep them safe in the shadows? And that sweet response from Jesus whispered in. “Do not be afraid; just have faith.” We are lions.
Mother and Cub wikicommons
We have as children of the King of all Creation the blessed right to roar. We have in our souls the love and joy born of Grace and we walk in the sun. Our children can watch the wild dogs scatter as they know that nothing in the world can touch them for they are not truly of the world. There is nothing in the purveyors of sin and sorrow to admire – a child of God would debase themselves to join them. My older children have begun to wrap themselves in this idea as they walk out into the world. They do not need to worry about those things that would tell them their faith is worthless or a fantasy. Sin with all its temptations is beneath them and when they do stumble it is only a stumble for they belong to Christ – He will recover His own. They need only set aside their sin and return to their place in the sun for they will always be welcomed back. They are lions; they roar.
Yes, there is pain, sorrow, hardship, grief and loss. It is true that sometime there is more comfort in being the lamb than the lion and we are blessed in those moments to be both. But just as Christ is the Lamb of God He is also the Lion of Judah. We are called to be imitators of Christ, we walk in the light of God, we scatter the enemies of Christ to the shadows – we do not dwell in the shadows ourselves. Our natural space is in the sunlight of God’s love. We need not fear anything for our Lord and savior has conquered all that would trouble us. God’s strength makes us lions when the world would have us be frightened and when we are sure that our struggles have overcome us Jesus smiles at us and encourages us – “Do not be afraid; just have faith.”
Simply Catholic 