One of the first things people say when the number of children I have is brought up is, “Wow, you must be busy, how do you do that?  I have trouble with my two.”    My usual response is “Oh they entertain each other it isn’t so bad.”  This is usually met with a dubious look, the eyebrow cocking up a bit  to express a bit of doubt.

But it is true.  Though it is hard to explain in the short span of a quick conversation.  There is something that I dubbed “The Sibling Effect”  that comes into play when you have a larger family.

Basically, the sibling effect is a result of each child being somewhat less the “center of the universe” and slightly more part of “team Family” than the normal American child.   Mom and Dad switch from being the people in charge of giving the child everything they want to “the bosses” and siblings are less competition for family resources and more fellow team members.

The Changes:  My first two children are 18 months apart.  When Rachel was born Ashley was excited to be the Big Sister – she would fetch diapers and hold things and watch the baby.  This went on right up to the point that baby sister started getting into her stuff, then baby wasn’t as much fun, in fact she was down right annoying.

By the time Christopher came around Ashley had more or less gotten over the fact that little siblings will get into your stuff.  This baby wasn’t quite as exciting as the first new sibling, but being helpful when you are 7 is still a thrill.  Plus Ashley was now old enough to hold the baby, make the baby laugh and understand more of what was involved.   There was also a fellow “victim” with the annoying aspects of older sibling life.

I suspect four children will definitely create the sibling effect and maybe three depending on the parenting style and how close in age the children are, but once the dynamic is created it changes the parent/child dynamic and creates a very different sense of family.

Among our community of larger, homeschooling, Catholic families one of the things I notice most is how open the older children in the group are to watching out for the younger ones – not just their siblings, but all the children in the group.

I think I am out of touch

At least with most pregnant women.  Or at least with the ones posting on pregnancy message boards.    I am not sure if it is because I am older, more religious,  more married or more inhibited, but I just don’t remember my thoughts being as out of sync.  Back when I was expecting Christopher I don’t remember so many of the women posting racy “belly-shots”.   I do remember all of us being very opinionated about what was the right way for everything from pain medication during birth to  diapers to feeding to sleeping arrangements,  opinions based totally for the most part on supposition and what was trendy, but I don’t remember the level of nastiness in the disagreements.  I also don’t remember the moms being so down on their baby’s fathers and I don’t remember the other expectant mothers being so certain that they should be the center of the universe.    It seems that a much greater percentage of the moms posting are unmarried and have no problem at all talking about the most intimate details of their lives to total strangers.  Needless to say I haven’t joined in on a board this time round and really don’t feel worse for not.

This has been a very odd pregnancy healthwise

I actually haven’t gained any weight so far.  I was overweight to start with and I have honestly been trying to be very good with my sugars especially, but it is still sort of alarming to me.  The other odd thing is that I think we might have finally tracked down the source of my two year, off and on, mystery cough.  I have a bacterial infection in my tonsils.  One of those normal bacteria that everyone has that opportunistically sets up camp in a damaged place and starts causing trouble.   So I am on antibiotics until baby is born then I need to get my tonsils taken out.   Fortunately I have good friend promising me ice-cream for my recovery.

I am thinking this fall is going to be crazy

Usually I would lay out my homeschool plans and feel like I was starting with some modicum of control.  This year I have no illusion of control.  I know that I need very streamlined plans and very easy routines or I am going to drown in a sea of new baby – meets new school year – meets  everything else that will likely hit me in September – like having my tonsils out.

My mother went through a phase for about 12 years were she attempted to do the “Traditional, Matron, Holiday, Spectacular Meal” for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.   These were the big events where she would plan an elaborate meal, polish the silver, bring out the china and decorate the house with the idea that the family would gather round the big table and bask in the glow of a yawning holiday table straight out of a Victorian greeting card.

The reality was always a stressful mess.  Something would burn, something would break, something would be missing.  Tensions would rise, someone would say something stupid and then someone would start crying or stomp out and then someone else would laugh and we would all wonder at how crazy we all were .

I certainly don’t fault my mother for attempting to do this.   It is just the most perfect example I can think of to illustrate a principle  that is really common – overly elaborate visioning.  It is really, really easy to do.  It is especially easy to do in the context of woman’s magazines, homemaking blogs, Home and garden TV shows that present “simple ideas” to create “special memories” and they are all such neat ideas, so cool, they look like so much fun.  But then in reality the attempt to fit in these things becomes overwhelming.  I do this, I look at the tea party or birthday party on someone’s blog and I am sure that I am the worst slacker in the entire universe.

But I know I am not, not really.  I am just like most moms, blessed with too much to do and crippled with a lack of energy, resources and time.  Much like my mom trying to recreate a romanticized idea of  a Holiday dinner from a household with wealth and domestic servants in a different time there is a  disconnect between the resources I wish I had and those I actually do have.   Then there is simply a matter of priorities.

This comes into play with camping.  I might image how wonderful it will be to have steak and corn on the cob with potatoes on dutch oven apple cobblers and watermelon.    Until I have spent a hot day at the lake, have a campfire to attend in 30 minutes and all that clean-up.  Do I really want to spend my time away from home working on such a meal, or would it be more fun for everyone to do foil dinners. Basically I have a tendency to over complicate things.

I guess if you are a mom the rule might as well be “don’t get sick”, but heavens what horrible timing.